Chris Effin’ Davis

My Nightmare
My Nightmare

I am here to tell the tale of Chris Effin’ Davis. Prior to this season, I knew who he was. He’s a first baseman for the Orioles who spent some time with the Rangers. The season is but a newborn babe but now I KNOW who he is. He is the killer of hope, the crusher of baseballs, and the stuff of my nightmares. I woke up in a cold sweat last night, muttering the words “Chris…Effin’…Davis.”

In 11 AB, just 3 games, he did this to my beloved Rays: .636/.692/1.727. That’s an OPS of 2.419. 2.419!!!! I know it’s a small sample size and this kind of production is not sustainable (or IS IT?), but you have to understand how traumatic it is to witness a whipping, nay, a thrashing like this. Let me continue with the evidence. He had a total of 11 RBIs. To reiterate, he only had 11 AB. Three homers, three doubles, and seven singles was the final toll. Every time he came up to the plate. Boom. It didn’t matter what the Rays threw at him. Fastball. Boom. Curve. Boom. Slider. Boom. Every single time with men on base. BOOM. I’m going to curl up in a fetal position again and beg for my mommy.

Update: 10:30 pm. Since I wrote this earlier today, Chris Effin’ Davis is continuing his trail of destruction and has hit his 4th home run of the season in as many days–becoming just the 4th player in MLB history to hit a home run every day in the first four days of the season and joining the ranks of Willie Mays, Mark Maguire, and Nelson Cruz. Fortunately for my sanity, Davis has left the Tampa Bay area, but I’m having flashbacks.

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